how long has it been?

I apologize for neglecting you, my dear blog, because as you&I know, you mean so much to me, so I apologize for my neglect to you.
Basically, not that much to tell, just that Nick&I are going to be celebrating our one month anniversary soon, right around the time of Valentines day, so that works out well in our favor.
I have a A- in math, so dreams do come true<3
&I just served my first friday school for ditching FSP that one day, thank god they only caught me one day, &Nick was going to serve it with me, since he skipped the first day of pool, but his aunt got really sick&he needed to see her in the hospital, so that adventure I went on alone.
Nick&I are better than ever, I really care about him now, and I'm so glad, because I was worried I wouldn't have the same feelings he has for me, towards him. That fear that the feelings could not being mutual was hard, but now I thank God that he gave me Nick, bringing Nick to me helped me in more ways than one.
Nick&I did have a rough week though, arguing a lot, and comparing our relationship to Paige&Anthony's is like the kiss of death, but in hindsight Nick&I have a great dynamic&I love him so.<3
I fell in love with a new social networking sight, called thumb. God, it's amazing! It's like a opinion app that you can attach photos to, and Nick&I both have one, and I got him hooked on it. 
Pool started, and it's a little mix of fantastic&dreadful. Nick in my class makes it the best, and I like the people in the class more than I initially thought I would, but showering and changing is messy&unorganized, so every 3rd hour blue day, I have a mini panic attack.
Other than that, things are moving at a fast pace, still trying to keep my head above water, but taking it day by day, and doing the best I can.

thongs...really?

So, I'm in trouble again...typical of me. Even though trouble just seems to follow me lately, not like I'm one of those rebellious teens chasing after danger and possible consequence, but I just always find myself wrapped up in a big tangled mess that one of my bad descisions created. So yeah, it was about thongs. So, my mom is psychotic about the smallest things, one of those things being thongs. I think she forgets that I'm a freshman in high school, and part of growing up is taking those baby steps at becoming a adult, but no, I'm stuck to wearing ass covered underwear like I'm 12 years old. It makes it worse that every mother I've talked to about this issue sees no problem with thongs, but I'm stuck with the mother that is so pig-headed and stubborn, that she refuses to sit down and soak in what I'm saying, and the thought that I could have a point about how now that I'm in high school and I should be allowed to wear a different kind of underwear, she won't even dance on that topic. Just one of the things that makes me want to rip every strand of hair out of my head is when I talk to my mother, she thinks she's a five star parent, like she does the mother job with perfection and grace, when recently she's been a ticking time bomb, and that brings out the worst in me. Of course I'm going to have a bad attitude with a mom that makes me want to punch myself in the face&a step-dad that probably has a undiagnosed mental issue at times, and the two of them together lecturing me makes a thunderstorm turn into a tsunami. I wouldn't be surprised if I ran away in the near future, if that day came I wouldn't be that shocked, being locked up like I'm a terrible kid (which I'm not, I never even do anything) makes me crave my freedom more than any other. I need to get out of here.

i'm proud of myself.

I'm proud of myself in the choices that I made with whether to choose Nick, or to take a risk and wait for Matt to actually straight-up tell me he likes me. I chose Nick, dropped any possibility of being with Matt, and I couldn't be happier. I'm not the type of girl that wants to go around chasing after a guy, making him tell me the things he's thinking, and demanding the respect to deaf ears. Matt would have never told me he liked me, I'd never see the day when Matt looked at me straight in the face and told me what he was thinking, that was just never in the cards for us. That's okay, though, we were never meant to be together, and that's fine with me, because look what I got out of leaving Matt, I got Nick. Nick, the boy who I never in a million years would have thought he'd like me, and when he did, I never in a million years thought I'd feel the way I do about him. I think that is because there wasn't a instant connection between us, but we have so much common ground, and even though we fight a lot, we're always looking out for each other, and trying to make the day better for one another. He's what I needed, someone that made my day easier, but never ceased to throw those wrenches in there to keep me on my toes. Our relationship isn't perfect, but that's what makes it real, and it's refreshing to have someone real in my life.

yesterday's still today.

The reasoning for my slightly gilry, outrageously giddy post? Probably because I spent like the whole day yesterday with Nick, not even expectantly, totally out-of-the-blue planning, and those are my favorite. My mom had brought up the idea to go sledding around 11:00, I had just woke up from a beautiful night sleep, (with the assistance of Nyquil, of course) and was feeling well-rested when she sprung the idea on me. She was taking my brother&his friend, so my inital reaction was that I wanted to go to bring Nick, since my mom is so anal about having guys over at my house. She agreed, reluctantly, but she still said yes. So, I texted Nick, and he blew off plans with Josh to hangout, so I took a shower and in a matter of time we were pulled up at Nick's house in the cul-da-sack he resides in. He hopped in the car with us, and we were off to the huge hill by the softball fields that I'd been playing at since I was like 6 years old. I was the only one that ended up sledding, I'm pretty sure Nick's the one that pushed me down, and by the end of the night, guess who had a bruise covering her whole left buttcheek? This girl did. Nick&I mostly just walked around, just hungout under the pavillion, and after I had to de-frost my painful hands two times, my mom packed us all up, and we went to McDonalds to get something quick to eat. Nick gave me shit about the food I eat, and him and my mom really hit it off, and I could not be more over-joyed by that.
As we were leaving, Paige texted me to see if I could hanout, so my mom agreed to drive Nick&I to Paige's house. We stopped over at my house first, so he got to see my bunkbed, and I gave him a full tour of the house. It was so weird seeing him in my house, I honestly didn't think the day would ever come. After we left, we just went to Paige's and watched movies together, I lay rested in Nick's warm arms from 3:00 to 11:00, and it was just a over-all great day.

So, the reason I was so giddy earlier, is because we were sitting in Paige's room, and I moved up from Nick's grasp around my waist, I looked back at him and felt that ribcage squeezing feeling that I had been waiting for, and after that the warm and tingly sensation followed, just like it did after Ian. The best part is, I don't love Nick because he's replacing or is like Ian, I love him because he treats me better everyday, than the person that I once claimed to love. Nick's not perfect, but he treats me with the love I know I deserve, so what more could I ask of him? He's already given me all I ask, but more than I ever expected.

winter rings new bells, starts a new life.

Remember my past post, about how my hatred for winter came from the blossoming of my first love, and then the recurring season made my heart stop in my chest because I didn't have him? Well, now I can say I welcome winter's presence, because it no longer puts a sweet sensation in my mouth, followed by a sting of sour flavor. As I look out my doors, a portal to the white sheets of frozen rain that lightly brush my cheekbones, instead of the weight of each particle swirling me into depression, it makes me want to step outside...and let each flake fall on me. I am free. What gave me this sence of flight? This overwhelming sensation to go 80 miles per hour down the country roads that lay ahead of me, and tilt my head back with my eyes tightly closed, and just let out this cry of joy. Like a past caged dove, I feel the need to soar as high as my graceful wings will carry me, just to dart back and forth, then to come back down in a blissful descend. I am this way now, because I finally made up my little confused mind. I had the moment, the moment I had remembered feeling, when you share a new and unknown experience with someone, and you feel almost as if your ribcage shrinked in size, since your heart all of a sudden feels this intense pulsating, squeezing feeling.

Yes, it happened with Nick, I'm so sure that I actually fell in love with him. We've been talking since September, but it took till now to really have that connection, that feeling like you gave that signifigant other a little part of your past, future, and soul. I was resistant, the thought of love, it's a frightning thing for someone who so young, so unguided through love's forest, slipped and fell in her attempt to make him simply not leave all they promised eachother so when I met Nick, I wasn't even out of that forest. The tricky part of what happened, is when Ian left, I was on my own, but still in love with him. So, when Nick popped into my life, I was still lost in all that I thought Ian&I were, and only recently did I find that the tale of our "love", isn't really a tale at all, more like something like a dream, burrowed in my subconscious. Ian and I weren't really all I thought we were. Nick&I aren't either, but I have all the time that I'm destined to have with him, to make some memories that will go down as some of the best...hopefully.
Now I can look at him, and instead, it's me always blurting out, "i love you", because it's just as much of a shock to me that I now don't mind winter, that it is that I now have found the stregnth to love and to have lost love.