The reasoning for my slightly gilry, outrageously giddy post? Probably because I spent like the whole day yesterday with Nick, not even expectantly, totally out-of-the-blue planning, and those are my favorite. My mom had brought up the idea to go sledding around 11:00, I had just woke up from a beautiful night sleep, (with the assistance of Nyquil, of course) and was feeling well-rested when she sprung the idea on me. She was taking my brother&his friend, so my inital reaction was that I wanted to go to bring Nick, since my mom is so anal about having guys over at my house. She agreed, reluctantly, but she still said yes. So, I texted Nick, and he blew off plans with Josh to hangout, so I took a shower and in a matter of time we were pulled up at Nick's house in the cul-da-sack he resides in. He hopped in the car with us, and we were off to the huge hill by the softball fields that I'd been playing at since I was like 6 years old. I was the only one that ended up sledding, I'm pretty sure Nick's the one that pushed me down, and by the end of the night, guess who had a bruise covering her whole left buttcheek? This girl did. Nick&I mostly just walked around, just hungout under the pavillion, and after I had to de-frost my painful hands two times, my mom packed us all up, and we went to McDonalds to get something quick to eat. Nick gave me shit about the food I eat, and him and my mom really hit it off, and I could not be more over-joyed by that.
As we were leaving, Paige texted me to see if I could hanout, so my mom agreed to drive Nick&I to Paige's house. We stopped over at my house first, so he got to see my bunkbed, and I gave him a full tour of the house. It was so weird seeing him in my house, I honestly didn't think the day would ever come. After we left, we just went to Paige's and watched movies together, I lay rested in Nick's warm arms from 3:00 to 11:00, and it was just a over-all great day.
So, the reason I was so giddy earlier, is because we were sitting in Paige's room, and I moved up from Nick's grasp around my waist, I looked back at him and felt that ribcage squeezing feeling that I had been waiting for, and after that the warm and tingly sensation followed, just like it did after Ian. The best part is, I don't love Nick because he's replacing or is like Ian, I love him because he treats me better everyday, than the person that I once claimed to love. Nick's not perfect, but he treats me with the love I know I deserve, so what more could I ask of him? He's already given me all I ask, but more than I ever expected.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
winter rings new bells, starts a new life.
Remember my past post, about how my hatred for winter came from the blossoming of my first love, and then the recurring season made my heart stop in my chest because I didn't have him? Well, now I can say I welcome winter's presence, because it no longer puts a sweet sensation in my mouth, followed by a sting of sour flavor. As I look out my doors, a portal to the white sheets of frozen rain that lightly brush my cheekbones, instead of the weight of each particle swirling me into depression, it makes me want to step outside...and let each flake fall on me. I am free. What gave me this sence of flight? This overwhelming sensation to go 80 miles per hour down the country roads that lay ahead of me, and tilt my head back with my eyes tightly closed, and just let out this cry of joy. Like a past caged dove, I feel the need to soar as high as my graceful wings will carry me, just to dart back and forth, then to come back down in a blissful descend. I am this way now, because I finally made up my little confused mind. I had the moment, the moment I had remembered feeling, when you share a new and unknown experience with someone, and you feel almost as if your ribcage shrinked in size, since your heart all of a sudden feels this intense pulsating, squeezing feeling.
Yes, it happened with Nick, I'm so sure that I actually fell in love with him. We've been talking since September, but it took till now to really have that connection, that feeling like you gave that signifigant other a little part of your past, future, and soul. I was resistant, the thought of love, it's a frightning thing for someone who so young, so unguided through love's forest, slipped and fell in her attempt to make him simply not leave all they promised eachother so when I met Nick, I wasn't even out of that forest. The tricky part of what happened, is when Ian left, I was on my own, but still in love with him. So, when Nick popped into my life, I was still lost in all that I thought Ian&I were, and only recently did I find that the tale of our "love", isn't really a tale at all, more like something like a dream, burrowed in my subconscious. Ian and I weren't really all I thought we were. Nick&I aren't either, but I have all the time that I'm destined to have with him, to make some memories that will go down as some of the best...hopefully.
Now I can look at him, and instead, it's me always blurting out, "i love you", because it's just as much of a shock to me that I now don't mind winter, that it is that I now have found the stregnth to love and to have lost love.
Yes, it happened with Nick, I'm so sure that I actually fell in love with him. We've been talking since September, but it took till now to really have that connection, that feeling like you gave that signifigant other a little part of your past, future, and soul. I was resistant, the thought of love, it's a frightning thing for someone who so young, so unguided through love's forest, slipped and fell in her attempt to make him simply not leave all they promised eachother so when I met Nick, I wasn't even out of that forest. The tricky part of what happened, is when Ian left, I was on my own, but still in love with him. So, when Nick popped into my life, I was still lost in all that I thought Ian&I were, and only recently did I find that the tale of our "love", isn't really a tale at all, more like something like a dream, burrowed in my subconscious. Ian and I weren't really all I thought we were. Nick&I aren't either, but I have all the time that I'm destined to have with him, to make some memories that will go down as some of the best...hopefully.
Now I can look at him, and instead, it's me always blurting out, "i love you", because it's just as much of a shock to me that I now don't mind winter, that it is that I now have found the stregnth to love and to have lost love.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
the flame that's left.
I hate really having the need to blog, but not having a critically important thing to blog about, so I will recap how me and Lauren almost were not friends two days ago, I was going to post about it yesterday but I didn't feel like sorting out my thoughts into a post, and today I do.
So, Nick&I like to skip our FSP together occasionally, because it's soooo boring sitting in class with nothing to do at like 10:00, and having the option of taking a nice nap snatched away by Ms.Martinez's evil little hands, so when Nick posed the option of walking around our high school, I was more than eager to leave that class. So, while walking around, and looping around the hallways, (which had become a casual thing to do, I felt at home next to the white brick walls and Nick close beside me) I passed by Mrs.Moreno's room. The tricky part with passing Mrs.Moreno's room is that the pass I signed to be granted out of Mrs.Martinez's room was to Mrs.Moreno's room, so even though Moreno's pretty chill, if she saw me I'd be in trouble.
Well, as Nick&I passed by, Lauren popped out of the class and yelled on the top of her lungs, "Look, it's Gabi and Nick, and she's ditching class! Gabi and Nick!"
Holy shit, she's lucky I didn't have a cord by me, I probably would have strangled her with it.
But yeah, Lauren&I got in a blowup about it, and she called me crying and stuff, so we worked it out, but she's just irritated now that I never hangout with her, and she feels like we're drifting.
Honestly, she's right.
I'm not here to try to hold it all together though, there's too much life going on around me to try to stop all of it, to cater to Lauren's needs. Our friendship is a wavering flame that's close from going out, and there's not much more spindle that the flame of our friendship has to burn on. We don't even have classes together, and my priority's changed a lot, now I'm just in the mindset that I want to just let things happen like there meant to happen, naturally. I'm not here to drop everything to save a friendship that I know won't last forever, anyways.
So, Nick&I like to skip our FSP together occasionally, because it's soooo boring sitting in class with nothing to do at like 10:00, and having the option of taking a nice nap snatched away by Ms.Martinez's evil little hands, so when Nick posed the option of walking around our high school, I was more than eager to leave that class. So, while walking around, and looping around the hallways, (which had become a casual thing to do, I felt at home next to the white brick walls and Nick close beside me) I passed by Mrs.Moreno's room. The tricky part with passing Mrs.Moreno's room is that the pass I signed to be granted out of Mrs.Martinez's room was to Mrs.Moreno's room, so even though Moreno's pretty chill, if she saw me I'd be in trouble.
Well, as Nick&I passed by, Lauren popped out of the class and yelled on the top of her lungs, "Look, it's Gabi and Nick, and she's ditching class! Gabi and Nick!"
Holy shit, she's lucky I didn't have a cord by me, I probably would have strangled her with it.
But yeah, Lauren&I got in a blowup about it, and she called me crying and stuff, so we worked it out, but she's just irritated now that I never hangout with her, and she feels like we're drifting.
Honestly, she's right.
I'm not here to try to hold it all together though, there's too much life going on around me to try to stop all of it, to cater to Lauren's needs. Our friendship is a wavering flame that's close from going out, and there's not much more spindle that the flame of our friendship has to burn on. We don't even have classes together, and my priority's changed a lot, now I'm just in the mindset that I want to just let things happen like there meant to happen, naturally. I'm not here to drop everything to save a friendship that I know won't last forever, anyways.
semester's over!
It's so funny, the semester's over, so half of my freshman year is drawn to a close. God, that's so sad. I don't see how people are so excited to graduate&even graduate early like this girl did on my bus, I want to savor every moment I'm still a high school kid. After this, you're a adult. That scares me, all the responsibilities and the stakes are always so much higher for everything when you're supposed to figure it out on you're own. Scary stuff...
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
i just hope my head is in the right place this time.
Okay, I was just about to get off when I realized I had a big issue I had not yet sort out. I REALLY LIKE NICK IT'S JUST HE'S SHORTER THAN ME AND THAT SOMETIMES GETS EMBARESSING&ANNOYING AND I FEEL LIKE THE "MORE DOMINENT" ONE, WHEN INSIDE I'M THE DAINTY LITTLE FLOWER! AND I GET ANNOYED WHEN PEOPLE ARE ALL, "DOESN'T IT BOTHER YOU THAT HE'S SHOTER?" IT'S LIKE PLEASEEEEEE FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS, DON'T ASK ME THAT, BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IF I DID I EITHER WOULND'T BE DATING HIM OR I'D BE DOING WHAT I DO NOW, AND DEALING WITH IT! It's just annoying how in Highschool people have so many opinions about things, but I care about Nick, and he cares about me, so really...that's all that matters. I'm happy when he's happy, he's happy when I'm happy, and I'm only happy when I'm with him. So, lets just be happy together, you&I, Nicholas<3
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