math test, submissions, and rug burn.

I decided that I'd stop using **** to disguise names now, it just seems unnessisary, since I haven't even told anyone that I made this blog, because if I did I'd feel like a complete idiot if anyone read anything I write about. So, yeah, just saying.
So, I stayed after with Nick today. I have a pretty massive math test tomorrow, and since I am terrible at math I asked Nick to stay after with me to go over my notes so maybe I won't bomb this one. And I could have just wanted to spend time with him too.
He did, he stayed after with me.
I have Spanish 4th hour, and since it was a blue day, Nick&my class are right across from each other. So, when my teacher lets us out, since she always does like 3 minutes early, I waited for him like always standing in the same spot like every day, right by my classroom door. After the bell rang, I got stepped on by this one girl, and headed out the big swing doors into the outside hallway, with Nick of course.
Normally, we walk past my locker outside, where Nick walks me to my bus&then runs to his, because walking me always makes him late. I told him not to walk me anymore, since he always barely makes his bus, but he insists on walking compleatly opposite of the direction he should be going, to walk me. He's just like that.
Since today wasn't like the typical day though, Nick walked me practically across the globe, because we walked around the whole highschool, for like no reason. I think there was a reason, but I can't remember why, I think it might have been because he wanted to find a spot for us to go to, but kept changing his mind. So finally, after like 15 minutes of trying to figure out a spot, he picks the staircase right by the basketball team's loud&roudy practice...smart right? It wasn't that loud or anything, but I was all worried we'd get in trouble with someone who just happens to use the staircase and get irritated were not in a supervised area, but Nick was all, "Chill out, no one ever uses this staircase." I stopped talking about moving spots, but that didn't ease my anxiety about it at all.
We stayed in the staircase for a while, I went over notes&thumb wrestled at the same time, which wasn't exactly a good studying tecnique, so I have a lot more studying tonight. I was starting to get more wary of our spot when I heard more people passing the door, so I packed up my stuff and told Nick we were moving, he didn't agrue or anything but ironically enough, after all our stuff was packed up&we were walking down the stairs, a gym teacher walked in the staricase, so I picked a good time to move.
After, we went to the Freshman Center and just sat at these red tables and messed around. He took my stuff, and tried to throw it in the garbage, and I took his phone, we arm wrestled, he put my leg in a "submission", I got rug burn, Nick left me for like 5 minutes because "i made him mad", and he threw a pencil at me that almost hit me in the eye. And the rest is history.

bombay beach.

I'm a avid believer in independent films, like the ones that you'd ask 10 people if they'd viewed it, and none of them would know what you were talking about.
Recently, I found the movie "Bombay Beach" and have yet to watch it, but I'm already in love with it.

If your interested, go to: http://www.bombaybeachfilms.com/

i love you more than the stars in the sky.

He is incrediable. I mean, I'm just me. I don't find anything nessisarily out-of-the-normal about me, so how could he love me? I actually believe him now, because he's told me for a while, since I've known him, really. But to actually love me, and want to be around me...it's different. I mean, how could this not make your heart melt?
I love you more than the stars in the sky.
I love you more as each moment passes.
I love you more with each breath I take.
I love you more with each promise we make.
I need you like a flower needs water.
I need you to wash away my pain.
I need you more each day.
I need you more for you are so wonderful in every single way.
I miss you are your touch.
I miss you more than ever now.
I miss you for you mean so much.
I want you to caress my lips like you do.
I want you to look into my eyes and see my love for you.
I want you to hold me close to your heart.
I want you to know that I really love you, need you, miss you, and I have for every single moment, right from the start.
-Nick, who loves you and always will.

I mean really, how could I not love him?

if he's right...

Don't you just love those out-of-the-blue, and semi-awkward conversations with the most random people imaginable? Well, I do. I'm talking to my friend ****, and me&him don't really talk as much anymore, since he doesn't live by me&there are other complications with our relationship, like how I only see him as a friend and stuff. Besides that, I'm texting him right now and he said he just got out of church, so I said "awh, ****, just got out of church(;", and he continued after that to give me this whole speech on how if I don't go to church, the devil will grill my ass or something. Well, it's not like I don't believe in God, I just don't go to church. For many reasons.
1. I stopped going when my parents got divorced, and just haven't found the motivation to start up again.
2. Every time I have gone, in the three occasions that has happened, I don't like how my grandma reacts to me going, like all mushy and emotional since she's a HUGE church advocate.
3. I think that the idea of having so many different religions, with different rules&regulations takes away the true meaning of worshiping a God.
4. I don't know what to classify myself.
5. I think that the requirements for church are outrageous, not like I don't understand dressing up to go and stuff like that, but instead of just showing appreaciation for being alive, I feel more like I joined a cult.
6. I think that the relationship I have with God, is more real&genuine than showing my face in a church building, listening to a pastor tell me what to believe, and mouthing the words to hymns that everyone in the building knows, except me.
So, that's what's been on my mind for the past 5 minutes, thinking about how **** said I'll be damned if I don't go to church.

new obsession, compleately healthy.

I recently discovered I love dream catchers<3

nice of you to show up.

This is so funny, this jittery feeling I have. 78% of the reason I feel like that is the Subway I just ate, but the other 32% is because of this new guy. I feel dumb writing about it, because whoever might see it could be thinking, "Oh this girl, simple-headed teenage girl. Ranting, and stressing her pretty little head over some boy then didn't ever love her, and not like she ever loved him either," well, I wouldn't blame you for thinking that. Just to justify that I'm not like that at all, I'll tell you I've been intrested in this guy for about two months, but just recently started deciding our relationship was progressing enough to talk about it. I mean I'm a teenager, I'm going to change my mind on a lot, but I wouldn't write about boys&stuff till I was sure I had legitamite stuff to even write about.
So, now that that's out of the way, on to explaining this new charecter in my life.
Well, I don't like the idea of saying names on here, so his name is ****, and oh is he funny.
Really, gym is never boring with him around, since he's always giving me crap about how "I run like a gazzele", "he's mad at me", and other dumb stuff we always joke around about.
It's weird, I've been thinking about him a lot lately.

realization.

It just hit me that I'm like the only one who reads my blog, soo, here's some pointless pictures....for myself.

    

am I really at this crossroad?

So, as I mentioned before, my feelings change a lot about him. Daily, I have a different outlook on how to react toward our wavering relationship. So, I texted him yesterday, since it was a holiday I thought it would give me a good reason to text him, and I wouldv'e felt like a total jerk if I didn't. So, I did, and he didn't answer when I first texted him, which kind of bummed me out, but yet not really at the same time since there is this new boy I'm getting more&more&more intrested in as the days go by. His name is ****, and he's adorable. I knew him from class, and we'd talked, but I had never seen him as boyfriend material till recently. We went to the game together, and it was then and the previous days before that, that I really started noteing the genuine feelings I had for him. It all started on a Wednesday, when I called him to ask him about something, and as he was getting off the phone I stopped him, and said "No, will you stay on the phone with me?" and he did. For like 5 hours. Not kidding, I had school the next day and we talked for 5 hours.
That's when he started making appearences in my head daily.
Oh, and *** ended up texting me back like a hour and a half later, we talked for a little while, texting of course. I think we may be friends, he said he wants to hangout when I'm back home, I have no idea what to do.

a sea of tan and olive.

When I think of Iowa, that's what i think of, and I don't know why. I just do. I'm in Iowa now, spending my hours at the edge of the pool, and now at the keys of this public computer. It's awkward writing here, with people all around, I wouldn't classify myself as a "Starbuck's" typer, someone who can write deep&thoughtful feelings with strangers around. So, my post won't be meaningful or detailed, since I do not have the "coffee shop qualities".
So, Thanksgiving wasn't really eventful, just a whole load of family stuffed in the garage of my mother's uncle's (I don't know what I am in relation to him) family home, and the food was pretty good, just the average Thanksgiving meal. I was SUPER tired though, since I had spent the evening before that at a basketball game, that I'll write about some other time, and then didn't retire to bed till about 11:00 p.m.
Can't complain though, because there's this kid on my school's team who is getting a full ride scholorship to play college basketball, so it was like seeing a professional play, in my highschool, for 6 bucks. So, it's been a pretty good couple days, it's only been like two days since I've been at the game, but it feels like a week.

                                                                               

up to pace.

I've been thinking a lot lately, like since my last post, and I don't think I've properly addressed the situation I'm in with him. 
Basically, all my posts about him were of him during his best times; our times. The times when I can honestly say that he looked at me like I was all that mattered to him, and ever would. Everything he said seemed sincere, from goodbye to I love you. 
Now, though, things are so different.
We talk about us a lot, like every time we have a deep conversation we talk about how we were then, it doesn't give me much hope though, since he agrees with me so quickly that he's changed into a person I'm not meant to be with. 
He means his best though, no matter what anyone says I don't believe he's trying to hurt me, but just to save me the hurt from him lying to me.
We don't go to the same school, and won't until next year, and that won't  make anything better, because he'll be thrown into a high school with 5,000 kids in it, I would be the last thing on his mind.
So, we have out ups&downs, and I change my mind about him a lot.

Thought I'd tell you, so you'd be up to pace.

this is why i'm a blogger advocate,

There is no better way to rant than to write about it. Sometimes ranting by speaking isn't really affective, because most of the time I hold in a lot of what I really wanted to say, even though a character trait of mine is being outspoken, ironic huh? Any who, basically I just finished watching "Bridesmaids" and laughed so hard I cried, I love perverted humor. 
I really miss him, the one I talked about twice before in my blogs. But he's been included in almost every post, not by words, but by pictures. A lot of the pictures I love the most are the ones that portray the true beauty of love, for those who think they achieved it. You never REALLY know what true love is though, because there will always be someone out there that has something about their relationship (or not relationship in complicated situations) that's "better" than someone else's. I guess love's true beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Because sometimes I see couples and think "woah, they're either desperate or blind." , and then I'll be with him and people will give me that same look, and even make comments about it. But I just look at them and smile, because in my head I'm thinking "He's the best thing I've ever known, and if I have a choice, ever will. Why would I look for anything else, when the best I could ever imagine is physically right in front of me."
Then I'll look at him and smile, and he'll do that crook smile thing that I absolutely adore, and just looking into his eyes, a deep sea of blue-green pigments, make's my heart squeeze in my chest. They may think I'm blind, but I only truly see when he's with me.

the reality of it all.

I really don't believe that perfection exists. In places, people, situations, and basically everything that can be viewed or judged. The word perfect shouldn't even be in our vocabulary, since it's so childish and unreasonable that someone could ever be perfect, or make the right decisions. Better is reasonable though, because it is possible for someone to make a mistake, and get BETTER. They try to right the wrongs that they had done, or spend hours upon hours, rebuilding every plank of wood on the bridge that they burned down. The respect I have to offer to people, are given less to the people who have done no wrong, but more to the people that have done anything&everything wrong, and tried harder every day to make the right ones. I am that person. Sometimes, if directions say right I'll take a left, that's a mistake, and when I find myself in the middle of no where, what do you think I do? I turn around. 
So, the basis of my rambling, is because I had a talk with my step-mom that really got me thinking today. I blamed her for all that's happened, but really, I was my dad&her that made the descision do do what they did, not just her. And they try every day, to make it up to me, they fix the bridge.
I forgive you, ******.

gabi on the roof in july.

<3

i'm getting rather bored.

With my style. It's like a mix of casual&sort of preppy, and I'm getting so sick of it. Every day I don't know what to wear, because I feel like I've worn it all already. So, maybe this Christmas there will be a change. I can't be positive though, I'm not as fearless and reckless as the girls who dress like hipsters, and I wouldn't want to take it to the extreme, but all my pictures are based of the hipster look, and they have such freedom and are so sure of themselves, and I want to be a lot like them. So, basically, if I end up having the balls to do it I want to go from...

 


                                              <--that,to...this-->                  

more pointless pictures.

*by far, my favorite*

if i only could have stayed.

I'm sorry I couldn't stay.
It always really bothers me when you text me asking me to hangout, and I'm busy. The last time it wasn't really my fault, I was already busy with a few friends, and you know if you had brought it up to me before I was there I would have stayed back to spend time with you. But times like this weekend, I am sorry for, that I'm at my dad's and you extended your hand once again to see me, for me to just shut you down. You should know by now, I want to see you so much. It's like the tables are turned now, since I used to be the one messaging you, inviting you to hangout. You'd always have some party to go to, which was incredibly annoying, since it seemed that you and your friends never stopped going to parties with such immature people. Whatever, not my problem. 
You changed a lot though, right when I started to give up on you&I ever being some what the same as we used to be, you really started including me more.You're like my best friend, or used to be, but still you've always been there, and I love you for that.

have you ever heard your heart sing?

when i told you i loved you, i wish i was lying.

I never knew I would, let alone could, miss you this much. 

It's kind of funny, you&me. I think about us all the time, the way we used to be back in those days when we came from two different groups of people, and ended up merging so well together. It was like we completed each other, our crazy little klans, and the idea of being apart was ridiculous to everyone. Really, looking back on it brings tears, because I remember most being at the summer fair, and having the group back together. We hadn't been together in so long, since you broke off the relationship as it was hitting 6 months. And this had been the first since then, that we'd been together. I was so happy to see you, even though I was with him, and you were with her.

I don't think I'll ever forget when I looked over at you, to see you smiling at me, then your smile erased. I asked you the whole walk down the trail what was bothering you, i was memorized by the expression on your face, you looked so lost. You said you'd text me about it, so I hugged you goodbye, and you watched me run away to the car. 

I slid on my seat belt when my phone vibrated.

"seeing you made me realize what a mistake i made by leaving you, i miss you:("

if only.