2012 resolutions.

Okay, I basically made that last post with that same intentions as this post, so now I'll rant about what I want to do better in 2012, so hopefully some of these will be accomplished by the end of 2012, if there is a end to 2012. I'll blog about that some other time.

1. I'd like to keep this positive attitude about life, how it's never as bad as it may seem, and things always get better.
2. Not to compare myself to other people, I am me, and I'm stuck with me, so I better get used to it.
3. Try to maintain a healthy diet, I'm skinny, no doubt, but I know I eat a lot of crap most of the time, and I think I'd just be more content with myself if I tried to pick up a cauliflower instead of Goldfish. 
4. Not to forget that I'm a writer.
5.  Put myself out there more, get involved in more activities and help out around the school, your only in high school once, might as well soak in as much as possible.
6. To lessen up the hunt for my perfect match, he'll come around when I'm not looking for him.
7. To try harder in school, stay more focused and motivated ALL THE TIME, just because other people aren't freaking out about school doesn't mean you shouldn't be, it's your future, not theirs.
8. Master the Spanish language.
9. Let go of the past, it'll never come back, and I think I'd feel better if I just let that gently be dropped from my shoulders.
10.  Make every day count, like it's your last, and continue to strive to be the best person I could possibly be. 

Simple enough, I'm sure I can do it.

now the end is here, and i'm not happy about it.

I've been posting a lot about 2011, but that's because I've never had a blog like this that I'm really interested in, and I like the thought that some day down the road I can look back on what I was thinking right now, at this very moment. It'll be useful for me, because the biggest stressers in my life right now are: my grades, Spanish, my finals, group high school activities that I maybe should be in, and if I'm making the "right" choices today that will affect my tomorrow, and so on and so forth. It almost feels risky going to school everyday, because I'm so nervous about how I don't know what lies ahead of me, it's not like I'm being bullied, because I am not, but I'ts the bigger picture of what I have to be nervous about when I walk through those doors. It's like your safe and sound on the bus, not much can change your life on there, unless you get in a car accident or something, but when your bus rears at the school and dumps you out, there you are, unprotected against something I've come to call my biggest enemy...my future.
It's this scary to me because I want to be something great, I mean my grades aren't terrible, there is just three subjects that I bomb every time. I don't know what to do about those. I could switch out of Spanish, but then I'd have to do a language in my Senior year, because it's required that you have 3 years of one language, so if I switch then I'm stuck with a language on my Senior year schedule, and I do not want that.
So yeah, typical me getting sidetracked. 
Basically, I welcome the new year's approach, but I just wish time could come to a halt so I could catch my breath.

I'll make sure to add 2011 pictures soon.

Thank you dad, for your taste in music.

how my 2011 went down, in a nutshell.

Here, is a list of some things off the top of my head that I thought I'd share about my 2011.

• Met this really cool not so cool guy, Quinn, and decided to make him my boyfriend, not exactly working out so well in my favor, but I did learn a lot about myself, and added another mistake or few onto my list.
•  Found out what it's really like to be in someone else's shoes, the one's that get snooty comments and jeers at, I was in those shoes, but I conquered it, with as much grace as I could in that situation. Give myself points for standing tall though all of that, and being back on top in the end.
• Got the best grade on a social studies final that I imagined, pretty proud moment for myself.
• Sailed through the end of 8th grade, finally found my footing, and ended up mending some broken bridges with my first love, Ian.
• Got my first picture with me and Ian, Frank was there too, but I just remember that being a big moment for me, like we were maturing enough to take pictures together and just be cool with each other, quite refreshing to me.
• Went to the fair, brought back some painful bittersweet memories of what once was, but spent a end of the night with Ian, where I was faced with the choice of Alex or Ian, and I'm sure you can bet on who I chose.
• Met Matt, not really because I didn't pay attention to him, but little did I know what role he'd play in my life as quite a friend, he's just a genuine person, and I'm lucky to have met him, and had him in my journalism class(:
• Went a full 3 months with no contact from Ian, sucked major butt, but that was the best thing to happen to me, the time apart let me reflect on the dynamic of our "relationship"...he doesn't deserve to have me.
• Spent like the WHOLE summer with Lauren, good bonding time, lots of laughs, and tons of sun.
• Went to Zach's with Lauren, met Matt there for the "first" time, we were so good for a while, Canada tore us apart, but we weren't the only ones...
• Lost a friendship with Zach, not really much of a loss.
• Learned how to give myself the respect other people should give me, basically taught other people how they treat me, it really got me places.
• Stayed out of trouble, except for somewhere along the road picking up a cigarette, soooo gross, but still got busted for that, you live and you learn.
• Went to Lake Placid, there's nothing better for the soul than water-skiing, peace and quiet, and crystal clear lake water.
• Learned life is never as bad as it may seem, and it will one day probably be worse so enjoy it while it lasts, and the stuff your parents do that pisses you off, they do because they love you.
• Lost my first love, decided to let that dream die with the 2009 summer sun.
• Met some people I'm sure I'll never remember, and some I'll never forget.
• Got in a car accident, scared the shit out of my whole family, and almost killed my great-grandmother with that. Some stitches over my eye, a severe concussion, and my step-dad saw the nurse wiping me since I couldn't go pee by myself, to  make it worse I was on my period, great.
• Got like two UTI's, and had strep like four times, almost got my "very large glands" taken out.
• My top left wisdom tooth peeks out of my gums at this very moment.
• I dropped the trombone, decided that was a middle school thing.
• Graduated Middle School, big achievement for a 14 year old.
• Said goodbye to the best times of my life, but only look back from time to time.
• Stayed in contact with my old Science teacher, Mr. K, he's so cool.
• Almost did softball in the fall, too bad the accident smashed my face up too much.
• Still have not been stung by a bee.
• Ate Indian food for the first time, yum.
• Went to high school, oh boy, and I have a second love...the school where I will spend the next years of my adolescence.
• Met a ton of people, one in particular that treated me the way I should be treated, Nick, if only he didn't have a anger problem and he was 3 feet taller, he's be my perfect match.
• Actually had a good math teacher, I guess math isn't too bad.
• I've been happy every day at school, not many people can say that.
• Failing Spanish, maybe I'll do better next year.
• Got kissed by my first junior, hopefully more to come.
• Contemplated leaving a friendship behind, decided against it.
• Oh yeah, had my first fight, and now I'm civil with that same girl, I still dislike her greatly, though.
• Had about 4 wardrobe transformations: goth to punk, and from preppy to me.
• Discovered I had 20/25 eyesight, and never broke a bone, except possibly my toe when I kicked Lauren with no padding in my boot.
• Had like a 1. something GPA, I know I'm soooo much smarter, I just need to get grounded.
• Got asked to go back in English Honors, and was SOOOOOOOO excited because I knew I was too smart for the people in my class.
• Wrote a pretty impressive Romeo&Juliet paper, if I do say so myself.
• Trying to figure out my type of music, I think it's just a little of all my friends listen to.
• Still a virgin, as I knew I would be, by choice obviously. Which is pretty good considering the girls around me, but again  I don't judge, there decisions are there decisions.
• Had like 3 or 4 phones, one I dropped in the bathtub.
• Found I need to pursue a career in writing, because I'm a boss at it, and I'd like to go to IU, even though the thought of rushes scare me.
• Failing journalism, ironically, but it's not the type of writing I'm interested in, I'll most likely write a novel.
• Made my sophomore year schedule, wanted to cry in the middle of the guidance counselors office since I'm so sad that the year's almost over.
• Came into LC as wanting to be a avid club member, that has yet to become a reality.
• Undecided on whether or not I like having a bunk bed as a freshman.
• Gliding through life, high as a kite. (not literally)
• Never smoked weed, good for me.
• Fighting with my brother, and told Nick my biggest secret, hope he's careful with it.
• Laughed more than ever before, since I know how much I'm worth.
• Always trying to find a reason to smile. 
• No classes with Lauren, and totally O.K. with it, we'll see where the future takes us.
• "Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today."
• "Laugh as much as you breathe, and love as long as you live."
• Let people make mistakes, because I sure hope someone will still be by my side when I make them.
• Holding life to it's true meaning, just to live it.
• And I can surely say, "I'm happy", because I may not always think I'm beautiful, or smart, but one day someone will.
• "You are kind, you are smart, you are important" -The Help
• Oh yeah, saw great movies, made me think
• Had the big blow out talk about how my dad left, and how I feel about Kendra. The wall dropped, I know how to forgive.
• I don't blame Kylie or Dominic, there my life and my heart, and I hope they grow to be as great as I know they will be
• My heart's a open book, willing to always add more things in, but never erase.

Basically, I could go on forever saying things that made me smile about 2011, but I think you got the picture, I just need to say, I love life.

gabi's song.

Best thing I learned today: my dad did dance with me when I was a baby. He did, he did the thing that ideal fathers do, the one's on hallmark cards, he did, he danced with his baby girl, his first born love. That just happened to be me, and I can not be more honored, that such a man as my father, took my hand, so small and fragile, and shared with me the most sacred moment in a little girl's life, her first dance with her daddy.

as the new year approaches.

It's really sad, how fast time goes. It's like one second it's here, and your just enjoying your daily life, with your daily complications and beautiful moments that happen each 24 hours, and then the next second your sitting there and the reality that another year that you can never get back is passing, and it slaps you in the face with such force you feel like your not grounded, like you can't comprehend reality, real from allusion. That's where I'm at right now, as I look upon my brother and sister eating there candy all I can think about is how they have no idea how lucky they have it, they live life for the moment, and the biggest stresser of there day-to-day is if someone is going to make them take a nap or not. I used to be tht kid, and that's amazing to me, that I lived a life so carefree and wild...there's nothing better than being a kid. 
I still am a kid, yes, but I know more and more as the years pass about how the world works, and rearing the age of almost 15, I've absored more things I never sat and pondered about how i live, the things that I think about constntly now. 
Things like how my grades affect my entire existence, whether I'll get into a five star college or not, whether I'll be in the same college as my soul mate, how i will never know if the choices i make as the days pass are the wrong ones, like i could have had it better if I did this thing that way.
So, basically the whole point of this post is that I'm proud of myself because I learned probably the most important skills of my life this year, ones I found on my own time, and I showed to myself. No advice showed me these skills, I learned them by experience and opening my mind to a bigger picture than my peers have around me. 

*I learned how to teach people how to treat me, to be more complicated and hard-to-get go instead of becoming just like any other girl, I'm different. I don't play games with people, I'm real. I'm raw, I don't beat around the bush with things, I'm straight-forward and kind, and I've found that's the best way to be.

*I've learned how to be happy. I'm happy! HAPPY! The stresses that I used to let bother me, don't. Of course I get stressed out, over my head overwhelmed with certain things, but I'm happy. I learn how to juggle situations, and accomplish things I don't want to do with poise and grace. I don't get invested in other people's situations, I just float around them, being a partner in their passage, offering advice but not my whole self. I'm a better person and friend, and found that what happens in other people's life, happens, and not to dip into other people's personal life, especially uninvited. I don't have negative opinions about people's decisions, because my opinion on it is, "well, there not making me do it, so whatever they do, they do", and I don't judge, I just move on. ALL THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE I'M HAPPY!

I'm proud of myself&my mistakes, because there is many more to come, I'll welcome the people and the places that come into my life, and I hope I just suction-cup everything around me, like I continue to do now.

i'll break his heart...

It's been a while since I posted last, but I've been pretty occupied since it's winter break. Well, I have quite the story for you.
Since I'm sick this post won't be a long, detailed post like they usually are, but I still have something that I really need to blog about.
I went over to Paige's house on Wednesday, I had been with Lauren all weekend and I needed to see a different familiar face, and be in a different familiar house. So, while I was there, Paige&I wanted to hangout at our friend Jeremy's house, but since my mom's over-protective at times, she neglected me her acceptance at me going over to a "stranger's" house. My mom's paranoid and high-strung about things like that, always expecting the worst when all we wanted to do was go somewhere because we were bored.
Well, to make a long story short, Paige&I had our friend's Anthony&Jeremy over, a different Jeremy by the way, to hangout for a while.
We watched Mean Girls, and had a good time, but here's the thing...
Jeremy kissed me, and he's Nick's friend.
Nick still claims to love me, and I just didn't have the heart to tell him I didn't feel the same so I just went with it, typical me.
So, without further unnecessary explanation of what my current problem is, you should be able to read-between-the-lines and see where I'm coming from when I say I'm so scared of breaking the boy who did no wrong's fragile heart.

the single life.

I decided to break up with Nick. It just wasn't working with us, and he&I both knew I was acting different. He asked me about why I was acting weird, but I denied acting different of course, since I just didn't have the heart to tell him. But it got too much for me, I knew I was already single at heart at that point, and it wouldv'e been just unfair to keep the relationship going if I wasn't even mentally or emotionally there. We're still O.K., but we're defidently different now, but life goes on, and the only one that I need to worry about right now is myself.

i wish i knew what this means.

May 9, 2009 ... Having been in touch with someone at certain stage can make you experience something which you must not have been aware of earlier.

 

Ok, so after I got done writing that post I decided I'd do a little bit of ask.com surfing. So I did, and that showed up, the thing above.

The ironic part, May 9th is my birthday.

And I really, really, really, really, want to know what it's talking about.

And reading the article, I couldn't find it!

So, if anyone actually reads my blog, which they do not, you imaginary person out there, look up:

What are the symptoms of love?

on http://www.ask.com/

and if, you imaginary person, see the date May 9th on there, please read it, and comment if there is actually someone reading this.

Oh, and it would be cool if someone followed me too.

ironic party.

Yeah, this always happens. I talk about him more than usual, think about him more than usual, complain about him (in general), and then it happens. He pops back in my life again, and just like his routine, I know he will soon be gone. Just like always. Story of my life since that muggy late-spring day that he dumped me for the first time. Actually, that was the last time too, since the only other time we were in a actual relationship we both mutually decided we wanted nothing to do with each other.
Now I'm getting off topic.
So yeah. He texted me yesterday, the same way he always makes his grand appearances. It's always texting with him though, like I wish we could start talking again in a more natural way, like we run into each other while I'm on a walk with friends under the summer moonlight or something. Because I know if that happened it would be different, I just know it.
We've had better times, like that one post I wrote about, that was beautiful. He may have just texted me about it afterwards, but it was the fact we had face-to-face contact, and he could actually look at me, that's what makes him miss me. I know that's how it is, since with this trial-and-error relationship we have, whenever he's thinking about me, he texts me. That's just basic common sence that he'd do that though, but when he sees me, it's different. He always wants to be around, and he's nicer, and he's just like he used to be, of course if the moment is right and stuff.
The basis of this blog entry is because I miss him again.
But I got my phone taken away while I was texting him&he invited me to this party, but I'm not stressing out about it. Again, trial-and-error.
I ALWAYS used to text back, so maybe me not texting him will be a good change.
He can always dissapear, and just because he's around me doesn't mean he'll be there for me, but as of right now, I'm just content that in the past 24 hours, I was on his mind.

i feel like a terrible person.

I got exactly what I always wanted.
Someone who would do anything&everything for me, and chooses me over anyone else.
He makes fun of me, but would never leave.
And now there are moments when I'm worried I might want to...
I'm not perfect, I hate a lot of things about me.
1. my nose
2. my height
4. my butt
5. my boobs
6. my feet (weird, I know)
Then there are just things I don't hate, but I don't like...
1. my hair
2. my eyes
3. my hands
And Nick makes fun of a majority of the things I just said. Not really in a mean way, but still. He thinks I'm beautiful, and I don't know what I am.
Then it scares me, because I change my mind on myself all the time.
And this is all jumpled and makes no sence but I'm stressed out!
Stressed with:
*School
*Home
*Apperance issues
*What I just woke up about
*Nick
*Ian
And how hard is it for Nick to just be taller than me?!
Uggh, and now I'm a mess, and I just want things to be 100% O.K., and no one can promise me that, and that makes me scared.
And I want what I shouldn't want, and feel the need to reject what I wished for, and just want to grow up and be safe and O.K. and I desperately need someone to assure me, and no one can.
NO ONE CAN.
Not one person can tell me what to do that will make me happy.
And I'm really scared of losing him, both of them.
And I don't even have the choice to choose, but I might throw everything away, to have nothing.

and then I'll be even worse.

I just want to go back to when I was surely convinced life would never change, and I'd stay young&free and he'd never leave, and summer would never end, and I'd always be happy, and I'd never be insecure, and I'd never have to choose, and I'd never have to walk away, and you'd never have to change, and I'd always be enough, and I never had to worry, and you'd always be with me.
And I'd be myself forever.

as promised, here's a recap.

As I said in my last post, Ian&I met at a church group "jumpy party" thing. It's hard to describe exactly what the party was, since the only reason I went was because I was dating this guy Austin, and we went to the same church, and I thought it would be a good place for us to hangout since we wouldn't have to split up into out own groups this time.
I can remember the day like it happened two hours ago.
I was driving there, and explaining to my mom how she'd pick me up at the normal time, and that it was just one of those random partys that church gropus throw, since realistically youth groups don't really teach you anything, there always really laid-back. So, she dropped me off, and i met up with my friend Gabby like I always did, and we were just sitting around with another group of friends.
The party started, and I don't remember the unimportant parts of the party, but I di vividly remember the first moments I spent with Ian.
The first time I remember seeing Ian was when I was on the upper level of the church, standing in line for one of those jumpy machines, because Gabby&I wanted to duel eachother. My eyes were scanning the vast group of kids for Austin, and instead of Austins eyes, my eyes met with one of his friends...Ian.
I recognized Ian, since I had seen Austin earlier walking around with a large group of kids, and one of those kids was Ian, so his face was some-what farmiliar.
We locked eyes, and I just sort of kept my eyes focused on him, and just as I wouldn't remove the hold that I had on him, he kept his gaze focused on mine. It was one of those strangely intimate moments with complete strangers, but for a split second, it felt strangely comfortable, the feeling that I had when our eyes had a set target on one another.
That moment lasted for realistically 10 seconds. Then he glanced back, and realized his friend's had been walking away, so he looked at me once more, and ran towards them.
Gabby&I dueled after that, but all I could think about were those blue-green eyes.
As we were dueling, Ian came back.
I couldn't believe my eyes, one second it was just a sea of strangers, than he was back, and even though he was a stranger to me, I felt this odd warmth and safeness when he returned. He came with Austin, Keaton, Frank, and a few other people I can't remember, and we laughed as Gabby&I fought each other, and when I exited the inflatable, there he was in the flesh, right in front of me.
It felt weird, since I had a "boyfriend", but I was so amazed with this mysterious charecter, I knew from then on I wanted to figure him out. I wanted to know him, talk to him, and see him again. Mostly to see him again...
The night followed with all of us in a group, walking and talking together, but Ian&I had not shared a word yet.
Later, Gabby&I were sitting on high stools and eating popcorn when I saw Ian going up to the counter and buying pizza. Then I asked Gabby about him.
Me- "Who is he?"
Gabby- "I don't know, but he's cute."
Me- "Yeah, he really is..."
That was it, I refused to sound crazy by trying to say Ian&I had a "moment" together, I knew I'd sound ridiculous, and I didn't even believe myself that we had a moment either...
Afterwards, Austin, Ian, and everyone were all sitting on a huge beanbag, and it was my time to leave. As I walked up to Austin, Ian glanced up and we locked eyes again. Longer, and closer up now, it was a different kind of power I felt at his glance. My heart felt like all the blood and oxygen had just been squeezed, and my internal organs felt like those small pressure toys, at the mercy of a child with anger-management. My pulse seemed to stop, the lights seemed blurry, and I felt instantly ill.
He looked almost puzzled, gazing up at me like he had something to tell me, something he'd never get the chance to tell.
That moment was shattered by Keaton's chanting at Austin&I to kiss, and I just blushed and kept looking at Ian, I know now that my expression looked as if I was in pain, because Ian retaliated by making the same pained expression at me. I didn't want to kiss Austin.
So, I nodded my head and said no.
Keaton then joked that he'd kiss me, and this took me totally off-guard, and I was already so flushed and embarrased, I just turned around and left.
I got in the car with Ian on my mind, thinking I'd never see those misty eyes again.
Oh I was wrong, this was just our beginning.

time to pretend.

Winter is ever so depressing. Seriously, I hate winter. People find pleasure in the thick sheets of frozen rain falling from the gray sky, but to me, with every fleck of snow that falls on my shoulder it feels like another pound to add on to the weight I already bear. Why do I feel so strongly against snow? Oh, it all started back in my golden ages, when it was my time to pretend because I lived for the moment, and I knew I'd be a kid forever, even when people told me I wouldn't. That's where I met Adam, and dated him in 6th grade, and we dated in the winter time, I remember that because I was overjoyed it was snowing, because I knew he'd ride the bus home with me, since he couldn't skate with his friends home. Well, the reason I hate snow is because during the time of Adam&my "relationship" Adam would break up with me all the time, and it made me really upset, and I didn't think I had anyone to talk to about it. Until me and Ian started talking again. Ian&I met at this church "jumpy party", and he was there with a few other people,  and I'll explain more about it some other time. But the reason I hate snow is because it reminds me of the time when Ian&I were our strongest, and when my first love blossomed and was nurtured by the gentle flecks of snow falling over our small town.
And now that we're so distant, the snow is choking me with the same force that it created me with.

back in the day.

Keeping it real since 1997.

my weekend, wrapped up.

Yesterday went a lot like this, Paige's house. That was basically it, and since today is Saturday, and it's only 7:14 and it's dark out, my Saturday is coming to a close. 
Details on yesterday?
Nick&I actually went to lunch today, since we've skipped a lot lately, and it was actually pretty good. Lunch isn't always the best, it's sort of unpredictable, people&their mood swings always affect my mood, so when people aren't in the happy-go-lucky mood that I love to be around, lunch sucks hardcore. Luckily for me, Nick, Paige, Elizabeth, Jon, Anthony, Jeremy, Drew, some random kid, and myself all sat together, and it went smoothly. You never really know with Nick's friends, so I was happily surprised with that "family-like" energy everyone seemed to be giving off. To make it even better, my least favorite class (Spanish) was the best class of the day, since we had a awkward wanna-be hipster as our selected substitute. I felt kinda bad for her, since she had absolutely no authority over the class, but really I could care less since I got to talk to Antwan, Devonte, and Tommy the whole time(:
So, after school ended it was the same, except I got to go home with TWO of Nick's clothing with me(: His shirt on my back, and his sweatshirt in my arms just made the bus ride home so much sweeter. 
When I reached the homestead, I was posed with a problem. I wanted to go hangout at the Cuban's house (Paige), but Lauren was making those plans impossible. Lauren&I had been kinda weird to each other since "I'm spending all my time with Nick" and she incessently keeps talking about Zach...my new number one pet peeve, the word Zach.
Eventually it all got worked out, Lauren and I would go to Paige's, Nick&Antwan would come later, and Mark&Branden would come by later. So it was just Lauren, Paige, and I for a little while, then around 6:30, Nick&Antwan came over, followed shortly by "the shredders". 
Here's the problem with my boyfriend&shredders...he absolutely hates them.
So, that's a problem, when me&my friends are all friends with shredders, I'm not even as close to shredders as I used to be, but I'm around them a lot, and that makes it hard on me because it's already hard for me to hangout, so now let's throw in that Nick hates the people I'm around when I can hangout. I can't go over to Nick's alone, since my mom said I have to be 16 to "date". Whoops.
Anyway, to make a very long story shorter, Nick ended up getting mad at me halfway through the night...like actually mad at me.
Nick, Antwan, and I were on a walk since Antwan had no one to talk to and I wanted to give Nick a break from everyone else, and ironically enough about 5 minutes before we left I was going through my phone and Nick saw Ian's number in my phone. It said "Ian is a Sexy Beasttt" and Ian put that in there when I was in like 7th grade, and it had a picture of him attached that he sent me when we were talking at the beginning of freshman year. So Nick got all annoyed and joked around that he was mad, and not to talk to him, and since he just deleted this girl Brittany's number from his phone (some girl he used to really like) I decided I'd delete Ian's number since we don't talk anyways. So, as we were on a walk me&Nick were just messing around, like we switched shoes, I put on his thermals, and he put his underwear on my head. And we were having a really good time, when I sat on the ground and felt my phone vibrate. I thought it was my mom, so I took it out and saw the number and saw it was Ian...
Here's the thing, me&Ian talked since I was in 7th grade, so I remember his number be heart, I just do. So I said out loud, "Oh, Ian's calling me." And Nick got pissed, he's really sensitive about Ian since I mentioned before how I was like in love with him, and he said he wanted to talk to him. But this is how the conversation went...
Me- "Hello"
Me-"Hello?"
Ian-*static*
Ian-"Hello? Hello, Gabi?"
Then my phone died...
One look at Nick and I knew I was in trouble. His face went blank, then smiled and said something along the lines of, "Oh, you remember Ian's number, huh?" Then he just walked away. I tried to catch up with him and explain that Ian&I like NEVER talk, but he just didn't want to hear it. So, to make a REALLY long list of fighting, and seeing Bella, Andi, Oscar, Austin, and like a billion other people I know while Nick&I were fighting short, I'll just say Nick&I are good now, but I just have no idea why Ian called me.
Oh yeah, and I saw my great grandma today, and plan on having a lazy day with myself tomorrow(:

uggh.

She would do this to me to.
My best friend.
It's like she really thinks I'm trying to ditch her, like I'm really ignoring her.
Well, It's not like I don't see what she's talking about, I spend a lot of time on the phone, and time at school with Nick, but he's my boyfriend. I'm not going to just ignore him, or when he makes time out of his day like he ALWAYS does for me, and for me to just go with Lauren because she needs to rant about Zach again? No. 
I've heard all she has to say about Zach before, how he's nice, then he ditches her&he doesn't want a girlfriend&he says all this nice stuff, then ignores her&all that other junk a billion times. It's like a ever constant broken record, and as many times as you try to set the record straight, it just keeps skipping over, and over, and over. 
And I am the entitled best friend, that's supposed to just curse the ground Zach walks on whenever he does something she doesn't like...
I always have to agree...or I'm as bad as Zach.
I even lost him as a friend (sorta) over that kind of stuff, it was my fault for telling Matt stuff I swore Id keep quiet from him, but Lauren told me Zach said he was sick of me "telling him what to do" and stuff, LIKE I EVEN WANT TO BE IN THEIR BUSINESS AT ALL.
Which would be completely a false statement.
Most of the time, I want nothing to do with it.
Nothing to do with Zach, Matt, their complications, the shredders, Ian, Kahler, next year, Ian's friends, my mistakes, and anything else that has to do with the last year of my life.
Nothing.
It's all something I'd rather forget than to relive, and by Lauren ejecting me into her&Zach's constant problems, she has no idea what position she's putting me in.
She's ejecting Ian into my life.
Since every time I think of Zach, I think of shredders, and that leads to Ian.
And I just think it's time for me&Ian's time to be over, it was dragged on too long.
It should have died the first time he said goodbye to me.   

they're sooo cute(:

these past two days.

Oh lord, do I have a lot to talk about.
It's only been two days since I've blogged, but I have plenty to talk about.
So, after Nick&I stayed after for math two days ago, we stayed after again the day after (which would make that yesterday). We basically stayed after for no reason, except for the fact that I needed to study Spanish, and I asked Nick to stay after with me, since Lauren couldn't stay after with me to help.
So, if I thought Nick&I walked around a lot the day before, it would in now way compare to the pacing back&forth that we did around our highschool to find a good spot to hangout. EVERYWHERE WAS FULL. It was like every sport and activity had something to do that day, which left us virtually no where to just sit around. So, to make a very long, and dragging story simple, we could not find a place to sit so we decided to grab our sweatshirts and go outside. It's freezing outside, and neither of us have winter coats or anything, but we walked to the softball dugouts since there is no outside practices in the winter, except for track that came no where near where we were.
When we were there we were just sitting around and talking, and I've found myself telling him like everything, all the things I complain about, am scared of, things that hurt me, things that make me happy, and sometimes just the most bizzare and random things imaginable. I even want to tell him the thing I've never told anyone...
Anyway, he's just someone I can't lose now, it's not like I've known him that long, but he has a background, and a story, and he treats me better than Ian ever did. Nick doesn't just change his mind, and he isn't just here one day&gone the next. Nick isn't a crutch either, it's not like I need him, but I just want him around all the time.
I don't think that should be too much of a problem, seeing as he's my boyfriend now(:

math test, submissions, and rug burn.

I decided that I'd stop using **** to disguise names now, it just seems unnessisary, since I haven't even told anyone that I made this blog, because if I did I'd feel like a complete idiot if anyone read anything I write about. So, yeah, just saying.
So, I stayed after with Nick today. I have a pretty massive math test tomorrow, and since I am terrible at math I asked Nick to stay after with me to go over my notes so maybe I won't bomb this one. And I could have just wanted to spend time with him too.
He did, he stayed after with me.
I have Spanish 4th hour, and since it was a blue day, Nick&my class are right across from each other. So, when my teacher lets us out, since she always does like 3 minutes early, I waited for him like always standing in the same spot like every day, right by my classroom door. After the bell rang, I got stepped on by this one girl, and headed out the big swing doors into the outside hallway, with Nick of course.
Normally, we walk past my locker outside, where Nick walks me to my bus&then runs to his, because walking me always makes him late. I told him not to walk me anymore, since he always barely makes his bus, but he insists on walking compleatly opposite of the direction he should be going, to walk me. He's just like that.
Since today wasn't like the typical day though, Nick walked me practically across the globe, because we walked around the whole highschool, for like no reason. I think there was a reason, but I can't remember why, I think it might have been because he wanted to find a spot for us to go to, but kept changing his mind. So finally, after like 15 minutes of trying to figure out a spot, he picks the staircase right by the basketball team's loud&roudy practice...smart right? It wasn't that loud or anything, but I was all worried we'd get in trouble with someone who just happens to use the staircase and get irritated were not in a supervised area, but Nick was all, "Chill out, no one ever uses this staircase." I stopped talking about moving spots, but that didn't ease my anxiety about it at all.
We stayed in the staircase for a while, I went over notes&thumb wrestled at the same time, which wasn't exactly a good studying tecnique, so I have a lot more studying tonight. I was starting to get more wary of our spot when I heard more people passing the door, so I packed up my stuff and told Nick we were moving, he didn't agrue or anything but ironically enough, after all our stuff was packed up&we were walking down the stairs, a gym teacher walked in the staricase, so I picked a good time to move.
After, we went to the Freshman Center and just sat at these red tables and messed around. He took my stuff, and tried to throw it in the garbage, and I took his phone, we arm wrestled, he put my leg in a "submission", I got rug burn, Nick left me for like 5 minutes because "i made him mad", and he threw a pencil at me that almost hit me in the eye. And the rest is history.

bombay beach.

I'm a avid believer in independent films, like the ones that you'd ask 10 people if they'd viewed it, and none of them would know what you were talking about.
Recently, I found the movie "Bombay Beach" and have yet to watch it, but I'm already in love with it.

If your interested, go to: http://www.bombaybeachfilms.com/

i love you more than the stars in the sky.

He is incrediable. I mean, I'm just me. I don't find anything nessisarily out-of-the-normal about me, so how could he love me? I actually believe him now, because he's told me for a while, since I've known him, really. But to actually love me, and want to be around me...it's different. I mean, how could this not make your heart melt?
I love you more than the stars in the sky.
I love you more as each moment passes.
I love you more with each breath I take.
I love you more with each promise we make.
I need you like a flower needs water.
I need you to wash away my pain.
I need you more each day.
I need you more for you are so wonderful in every single way.
I miss you are your touch.
I miss you more than ever now.
I miss you for you mean so much.
I want you to caress my lips like you do.
I want you to look into my eyes and see my love for you.
I want you to hold me close to your heart.
I want you to know that I really love you, need you, miss you, and I have for every single moment, right from the start.
-Nick, who loves you and always will.

I mean really, how could I not love him?

if he's right...

Don't you just love those out-of-the-blue, and semi-awkward conversations with the most random people imaginable? Well, I do. I'm talking to my friend ****, and me&him don't really talk as much anymore, since he doesn't live by me&there are other complications with our relationship, like how I only see him as a friend and stuff. Besides that, I'm texting him right now and he said he just got out of church, so I said "awh, ****, just got out of church(;", and he continued after that to give me this whole speech on how if I don't go to church, the devil will grill my ass or something. Well, it's not like I don't believe in God, I just don't go to church. For many reasons.
1. I stopped going when my parents got divorced, and just haven't found the motivation to start up again.
2. Every time I have gone, in the three occasions that has happened, I don't like how my grandma reacts to me going, like all mushy and emotional since she's a HUGE church advocate.
3. I think that the idea of having so many different religions, with different rules&regulations takes away the true meaning of worshiping a God.
4. I don't know what to classify myself.
5. I think that the requirements for church are outrageous, not like I don't understand dressing up to go and stuff like that, but instead of just showing appreaciation for being alive, I feel more like I joined a cult.
6. I think that the relationship I have with God, is more real&genuine than showing my face in a church building, listening to a pastor tell me what to believe, and mouthing the words to hymns that everyone in the building knows, except me.
So, that's what's been on my mind for the past 5 minutes, thinking about how **** said I'll be damned if I don't go to church.

new obsession, compleately healthy.

I recently discovered I love dream catchers<3

nice of you to show up.

This is so funny, this jittery feeling I have. 78% of the reason I feel like that is the Subway I just ate, but the other 32% is because of this new guy. I feel dumb writing about it, because whoever might see it could be thinking, "Oh this girl, simple-headed teenage girl. Ranting, and stressing her pretty little head over some boy then didn't ever love her, and not like she ever loved him either," well, I wouldn't blame you for thinking that. Just to justify that I'm not like that at all, I'll tell you I've been intrested in this guy for about two months, but just recently started deciding our relationship was progressing enough to talk about it. I mean I'm a teenager, I'm going to change my mind on a lot, but I wouldn't write about boys&stuff till I was sure I had legitamite stuff to even write about.
So, now that that's out of the way, on to explaining this new charecter in my life.
Well, I don't like the idea of saying names on here, so his name is ****, and oh is he funny.
Really, gym is never boring with him around, since he's always giving me crap about how "I run like a gazzele", "he's mad at me", and other dumb stuff we always joke around about.
It's weird, I've been thinking about him a lot lately.

realization.

It just hit me that I'm like the only one who reads my blog, soo, here's some pointless pictures....for myself.

    

am I really at this crossroad?

So, as I mentioned before, my feelings change a lot about him. Daily, I have a different outlook on how to react toward our wavering relationship. So, I texted him yesterday, since it was a holiday I thought it would give me a good reason to text him, and I wouldv'e felt like a total jerk if I didn't. So, I did, and he didn't answer when I first texted him, which kind of bummed me out, but yet not really at the same time since there is this new boy I'm getting more&more&more intrested in as the days go by. His name is ****, and he's adorable. I knew him from class, and we'd talked, but I had never seen him as boyfriend material till recently. We went to the game together, and it was then and the previous days before that, that I really started noteing the genuine feelings I had for him. It all started on a Wednesday, when I called him to ask him about something, and as he was getting off the phone I stopped him, and said "No, will you stay on the phone with me?" and he did. For like 5 hours. Not kidding, I had school the next day and we talked for 5 hours.
That's when he started making appearences in my head daily.
Oh, and *** ended up texting me back like a hour and a half later, we talked for a little while, texting of course. I think we may be friends, he said he wants to hangout when I'm back home, I have no idea what to do.

a sea of tan and olive.

When I think of Iowa, that's what i think of, and I don't know why. I just do. I'm in Iowa now, spending my hours at the edge of the pool, and now at the keys of this public computer. It's awkward writing here, with people all around, I wouldn't classify myself as a "Starbuck's" typer, someone who can write deep&thoughtful feelings with strangers around. So, my post won't be meaningful or detailed, since I do not have the "coffee shop qualities".
So, Thanksgiving wasn't really eventful, just a whole load of family stuffed in the garage of my mother's uncle's (I don't know what I am in relation to him) family home, and the food was pretty good, just the average Thanksgiving meal. I was SUPER tired though, since I had spent the evening before that at a basketball game, that I'll write about some other time, and then didn't retire to bed till about 11:00 p.m.
Can't complain though, because there's this kid on my school's team who is getting a full ride scholorship to play college basketball, so it was like seeing a professional play, in my highschool, for 6 bucks. So, it's been a pretty good couple days, it's only been like two days since I've been at the game, but it feels like a week.

                                                                               

up to pace.

I've been thinking a lot lately, like since my last post, and I don't think I've properly addressed the situation I'm in with him. 
Basically, all my posts about him were of him during his best times; our times. The times when I can honestly say that he looked at me like I was all that mattered to him, and ever would. Everything he said seemed sincere, from goodbye to I love you. 
Now, though, things are so different.
We talk about us a lot, like every time we have a deep conversation we talk about how we were then, it doesn't give me much hope though, since he agrees with me so quickly that he's changed into a person I'm not meant to be with. 
He means his best though, no matter what anyone says I don't believe he's trying to hurt me, but just to save me the hurt from him lying to me.
We don't go to the same school, and won't until next year, and that won't  make anything better, because he'll be thrown into a high school with 5,000 kids in it, I would be the last thing on his mind.
So, we have out ups&downs, and I change my mind about him a lot.

Thought I'd tell you, so you'd be up to pace.

this is why i'm a blogger advocate,

There is no better way to rant than to write about it. Sometimes ranting by speaking isn't really affective, because most of the time I hold in a lot of what I really wanted to say, even though a character trait of mine is being outspoken, ironic huh? Any who, basically I just finished watching "Bridesmaids" and laughed so hard I cried, I love perverted humor. 
I really miss him, the one I talked about twice before in my blogs. But he's been included in almost every post, not by words, but by pictures. A lot of the pictures I love the most are the ones that portray the true beauty of love, for those who think they achieved it. You never REALLY know what true love is though, because there will always be someone out there that has something about their relationship (or not relationship in complicated situations) that's "better" than someone else's. I guess love's true beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Because sometimes I see couples and think "woah, they're either desperate or blind." , and then I'll be with him and people will give me that same look, and even make comments about it. But I just look at them and smile, because in my head I'm thinking "He's the best thing I've ever known, and if I have a choice, ever will. Why would I look for anything else, when the best I could ever imagine is physically right in front of me."
Then I'll look at him and smile, and he'll do that crook smile thing that I absolutely adore, and just looking into his eyes, a deep sea of blue-green pigments, make's my heart squeeze in my chest. They may think I'm blind, but I only truly see when he's with me.

the reality of it all.

I really don't believe that perfection exists. In places, people, situations, and basically everything that can be viewed or judged. The word perfect shouldn't even be in our vocabulary, since it's so childish and unreasonable that someone could ever be perfect, or make the right decisions. Better is reasonable though, because it is possible for someone to make a mistake, and get BETTER. They try to right the wrongs that they had done, or spend hours upon hours, rebuilding every plank of wood on the bridge that they burned down. The respect I have to offer to people, are given less to the people who have done no wrong, but more to the people that have done anything&everything wrong, and tried harder every day to make the right ones. I am that person. Sometimes, if directions say right I'll take a left, that's a mistake, and when I find myself in the middle of no where, what do you think I do? I turn around. 
So, the basis of my rambling, is because I had a talk with my step-mom that really got me thinking today. I blamed her for all that's happened, but really, I was my dad&her that made the descision do do what they did, not just her. And they try every day, to make it up to me, they fix the bridge.
I forgive you, ******.

gabi on the roof in july.

<3

i'm getting rather bored.

With my style. It's like a mix of casual&sort of preppy, and I'm getting so sick of it. Every day I don't know what to wear, because I feel like I've worn it all already. So, maybe this Christmas there will be a change. I can't be positive though, I'm not as fearless and reckless as the girls who dress like hipsters, and I wouldn't want to take it to the extreme, but all my pictures are based of the hipster look, and they have such freedom and are so sure of themselves, and I want to be a lot like them. So, basically, if I end up having the balls to do it I want to go from...

 


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